I had to do this. My ex asked if I had fun.Thursday, July 16, 2009
A QUOTE BY ME. (Perhaps my own epitaph?)
In conversing with my room mate, I accidentally may have written my own epitaph. I hope this is not what I am remembered for, but it was rather funny. "There were a lot of things that I found very appealing about her, but then she had to go and ruin it all by being a woman." ~ME~
Sunday, July 12, 2009
CONSOLIDATION
I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog I guess. I had big plans for it, but have found that I would probably be better off consolidating these two blogs together. The problem is, my main blog may or may not be appropriate for this content. I don't know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I just have not felt the urge to write here in awhile. The best laid plans and all that.... I just wanted to check in.... I will probably write in this again in the not too distant future, but right now, my heart is elsewhere.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
GRIN AND BEAR IT
As I said in my first real blog here, "Life isn't Fair". Not only that, it doesn't even come close most days. While I have reason to believe that, I keep hoping for evidence to the contrary. I go to bed, (some nights) thinking "Tomorrow will be better", but lately most night I struggle to find sleep. I manage to get an hour or so at a time, possibly up to 3 hours total, and wake up with a lousy migraine. At a loss for why this is happening, I run down the list of possible reasons why in my head. The list never really changes, and typically, I find myself awake, miserable with a headache, and hammering away at this stupid keyboard.
1.) Is it my OCD?
2.) Is it my Sleep Apnea?
3.) Is my CPAP functioning correctly?
4.) Do I need another sleep study?
5.) Is it related to my heart?
6.) Does it have anything to do with my diabetes?
7.) Is it a result of life stresses?
8.) Do I need a new bed?
9.) Is there something seriously wrong with me?
10.) Is it something I should be more concerned with?
I have been having a hard time sleeping pretty much the whole time I have been living here with Bergie. I moved in about Thanksgiving. I have known Bergie for about 30 years, and we are friends. I trust him, and we get along well. My only problem since I have lived here is that the room comes with an added responsibility I never really signed up for. He is also a brittle diabetic, type 1, and is on a insulin pump. He tries very hard to monitor his condition, but frequently falls into dangerly low blood sugars. In the past 3 months, I have had to call 911 about 5 times, the neighbors called them once, and a couple of them we managed to get some sugar in him on our own. He is a great guy, and a decent room mate. I appreciate his Anal Rententiveness, and the fact that around him, virtually nothing goes to waste. He is fastidious about his house, his hygiene, his record keeping, and several aspects of daily life. Whether is is cutting down wood for the fireplace, or clipping the plastic can rings so birds dont get stuck, or recycling... he has a certain obsessive way of doing certain things that while amusing to me, I have a fair amount of respect for.
On the downside, I try to avoid all discussion of religion, politics, and women with him. These three things are triggers that he is especially sensitive to. It is not uncommon for me to hear him rattling off a prolonged string of obsenities at the tv evening news. I usually tell him to quit stuffing his feelings, and tell them how he really feels.
Anyway... Except for the occasionally violent diabetic reaction, during which he gets highly agitated and the wallboard suffers, except for that, he does not disturb me ever. So, I am still left to wonder what is the source of my prolonged sleeplessness. "Sleepless in Vancouver" just does not have that special ring to it. So it is a moot point to start a "wish I were asleep instead of typing all night" blog. I do that anyway, and do not need yet another blog to keep track of.
A friend of mine who I wrote about in the other blog has viewed the new one this morning, but was not impressed with the photoshopping. Guess it came across a little morbid or sinister. But, I am confident that many others will find it as cool as I do, nevermind the morbidity.
I could write about this stuff in either blog, and in fact think this is more appropriate for "The Truth Hurts". I believe I am going to cross post at least part of this one. What I want for this Blog is a place to impart useful information, stuff I have learned along the way. I think I want "The Truth Hurts" to be more geared toward daily life sort of stuff. I want "The Truth Hurts" (here after referred to as T2H) to be where I discuss the journey itself, while this Blog (Back9) to deal with the lessons learned along the way. I also think that whatever photoshopping I do I will post here. I will leave the pictures of Kitties and Posies to T2H.
So now, once again, distracted, and off track, miles away from what I wanted to write about this morning, I think I am going to take a break. My crappy "tastes like melted crayons" coffee blend is calling me to the kitchen for another dose of stomach turning, gut wrenching, olifactorally unpleasant, caffeinated beverage. Note to self: Appropriate for the "Lessons Learned Along The Way" theme of this blog~
On Coffee: Quit buying the cheap ass storebrand crap. It ain't worth it.
PHOTOSHOPPING MY FACE
Just because I could, and in surprisingly few minute (about 10 mins) I went photoshopping again and created a new image for my profile. I am actually enjoying mangling these images. What the heck? Maybe I will attract a new variety of female?
I obviously need to do something different than I have been. I know in my heart that I am trying harder than ever before. I know that I am a better man than I have ever been. So why all the friggen heartache? Why do I end up in situations where my heart gets torn from my chest and I sacrifice important parts of me that I should not have to? Why do I find myself still in love even though yet again I have found out another instance where she cheated on me.
Lets face it, Love sucks sometimes, and not in a good way.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
DEFINING LIFE
Has anyone ever asked you "What are you going to do with your life?" Has anyone ever told you when things go bad (as they sometimes do) "That's life!"? How about this one: "No one ever said life was fair"? We hear about life every day, in myriad capacities, with all of its joys, flaws, and facets. Countless phrases and definitions of life assault us on every step of our journey through this existence. Countless words and phrases are synonymous and therefore suggest life, while others seemingly unrelated are no less descriptive of various aspects of life which we may or may not take for granted. Life itself is extolled in music across the ages, and has fascinated literally hundreds of millions of people, laymen, authors, theologians, scientists, geologists, mathematicians, artists, children, and adults alike. Without speculating, if there is life beyond our understanding, whether it be Creator, or extraterrestrial, even they are observers of this condition we call life. In a nutshell, Life is HUGE. (But I also digress, it is microscopic as well) The thumbprint of life spans the vast reaches of our galaxy and beyond, and even though we can not prove that life as we understand it exists outside of our protective little bubble that surrounds our planet, we cannot definitively argue that it in fact doesn't exist beyond our capacity to observe, understand, or acknowledge. Life; from our perspective, a moment in comparison with all eternity, but it really is all we know.
Before I cut and paste from Websters Online Dictionary, I must emphasize that I have no greater understanding than anyone else. I am just a traveller here like all of you that read this. I do not know what life is. I am not even sure beyond the mechanics of it, that I actually have a life of my own. However, I wonder.... What is the opposite of life? I wonder how many people might say "death"? Hmmm... No... I do not think that death is the opposite of life. I believe Death is simply one small aspect of life, a transition from the existence we have known into another We do not understand. When we were born, we did not understand life. But we fought to breathe as we came into this world. From the moment of conception, we struggle to survive... something we seem to share will all other species on this planet. We are designed it seems to want to live, whether or not we ever understand why. So the opposite of life... what is it? Life goes on with or without us. How can any of us truly fathom, in our limited understanding, what the opposite of life my be?
The closest thing I can perceive is contained in the first couple lines of Genesis. "
1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. ."
Sounds like there was a void, a nothingness, a stillness, except for the Spirit of God. I submit for conjection that the opposite of life is not death, but a void. A nothingness.
The word Genesis itself comes from the Greek word meaning "Birth" or "Origin". It is the first book of the Bible of Christianity and Judaism. Is also the first of five books of the Pentateuch or Torah.
So here is what Dictionary.com has to say about life:
LIFE: adjective
noun
1. the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2. the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, esp. metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.
3. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
4. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
5. the general or universal condition of human existence: Too bad, but life is like that.
6. any specified period of animate existence: a man in middle life.
7. the period of existence, activity, or effectiveness of something inanimate, as a machine, lease, or play: The life of the car may be ten years.
8. a living being: Several lives were lost.
9. living things collectively: the hope of discovering life on other planets; insect life.
10. a particular aspect of existence: He enjoys an active physical life.
11. the course of existence or sum of experiences and actions that constitute a person's existence: His business has been his entire life.
12. a biography: a newly published life of Willa Cather.
13. animation; liveliness; spirit: a speech full of life.
14. resilience; elasticity.
15. the force that makes or keeps something alive; the vivifying or quickening principle: The life of the treaty has been an increase of mutual understanding and respect.
16. a mode or manner of existence, as in the world of affairs or society: So far her business life has not overlapped her social life.
17. the period or extent of authority, popularity, approval, etc.: the life of the committee; the life of a bestseller.
18. a prison sentence covering the remaining portion of the offender's animate existence: The judge gave him life.
19. anything or anyone considered to be as precious as life: She was his life.
20. a person or thing that enlivens: the life of the party.
21. effervescence or sparkle, as of wines.
22. pungency or strong, sharp flavor, as of substances when fresh or in good condition.
23. nature or any of the forms of nature as the model or subject of a work of art: drawn from life.
24. Baseball. another opportunity given to a batter to bat because of a misplay by a fielder.
25. (in English pool) one of a limited number of shots allowed a player: Each pool player has three lives at the beginning of the game.–adjective
26. for or lasting a lifetime; lifelong: a life membership in a club; life imprisonment.
27. of or pertaining to animate existence: the life force; life functions.
28. working from nature or using a living model: a life drawing; a life class.
Idioms
29. as large as life, actually; indeed: There he stood, as large as life. Also, as big as life.
30. come to life, a. to recover consciousness.b. to become animated and vigorous: The evening passed, but somehow the party never came to life.c. to appear lifelike: The characters of the novel came to life on the screen.
31. for dear life, with desperate effort, energy, or speed: We ran for dear life, with the dogs at our heels. Also, for one's life.
32. for the life of one, as hard as one tries; even with the utmost effort: He can't understand it for the life of him.
33. get a life, to improve the quality of one's social and professional life: often used in the imperative to express impatience with someone's behavior.
34. not on your life, Informal. absolutely not; under no circumstances; by no means: Will I stand for such a thing? Not on your life!
35. take one's life in one's hands, to risk death knowingly: We were warned that we were taking our lives in our hands by going through that swampy area.
36. to the life, in perfect imitation; exactly: The portrait characterized him to the life.
Origin:bef. 900; ME lif(e); OE līf; c. D lijf, G Leib body, ON līf life, body; akin to live 1Synonyms:13. vivacity, sprightliness, vigor, verve, activity, energy.
Antonyms:13. inertia.
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.
Cite This Source
Wow. That does not begin to answer my questions.
So I come to my point, I do not know what life is, I do not know what it isn't. I just know that for us as individuals, Life only lasts for a time before we pass back into the oblivion from whence we came. I do not know anything about Heaven or Hell, except that which I read. I consider myself a Christian, and I have chosen to take the Bible at face value, the undeniable, unquestionable, unchangeable Word of God. That's just me. I do not care if you believe as I do. That is not important to me. What I believe is important to me, which is why I have spent my entire life (there's that word again!) searching for the knowlege I need. Note: I read somewhere that the word "BIBLE" is an acronym for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth". I found that amusing.
When it comes to being a Christian, please do not use me as an example for the entire faith. By all standards, Christian or otherwise, I am not a very good example.
But again, I digress.... I am having a hard time staying focussed. Perhaps that is because once again I have been awake all night. My point for this entry is this: I am a nearly 43 year old man who has seen his share of this world, and who has made it to a point in his life where he knows that there are more years behind him than in front of him. God willing, I will be here for many years to come, but facing bad genetics, bad choices, and the resulting failing health, I am aware I am on borrowed time. This is why I have set up this blog. A place where I can look back at the first half of my life andmaybe pass on some of the lessons I have learned along the way. Maybe, just maybe, someone may look at this and realize that they are not alone, that someone else feels like they do, or that above all else, there is always hope. So there it is; hope I have not bored you to tears, and I hope you will tell your friends, and I hope you will come back Please, feel free to let me know you were here, and share any thoughts you have. After all, thats all I am doing here.
Before I cut and paste from Websters Online Dictionary, I must emphasize that I have no greater understanding than anyone else. I am just a traveller here like all of you that read this. I do not know what life is. I am not even sure beyond the mechanics of it, that I actually have a life of my own. However, I wonder.... What is the opposite of life? I wonder how many people might say "death"? Hmmm... No... I do not think that death is the opposite of life. I believe Death is simply one small aspect of life, a transition from the existence we have known into another We do not understand. When we were born, we did not understand life. But we fought to breathe as we came into this world. From the moment of conception, we struggle to survive... something we seem to share will all other species on this planet. We are designed it seems to want to live, whether or not we ever understand why. So the opposite of life... what is it? Life goes on with or without us. How can any of us truly fathom, in our limited understanding, what the opposite of life my be?
The closest thing I can perceive is contained in the first couple lines of Genesis. "
1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. ."
Sounds like there was a void, a nothingness, a stillness, except for the Spirit of God. I submit for conjection that the opposite of life is not death, but a void. A nothingness.
The word Genesis itself comes from the Greek word meaning "Birth" or "Origin". It is the first book of the Bible of Christianity and Judaism. Is also the first of five books of the Pentateuch or Torah.
So here is what Dictionary.com has to say about life:
LIFE: adjective
noun
1. the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2. the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, esp. metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.
3. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
4. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
5. the general or universal condition of human existence: Too bad, but life is like that.
6. any specified period of animate existence: a man in middle life.
7. the period of existence, activity, or effectiveness of something inanimate, as a machine, lease, or play: The life of the car may be ten years.
8. a living being: Several lives were lost.
9. living things collectively: the hope of discovering life on other planets; insect life.
10. a particular aspect of existence: He enjoys an active physical life.
11. the course of existence or sum of experiences and actions that constitute a person's existence: His business has been his entire life.
12. a biography: a newly published life of Willa Cather.
13. animation; liveliness; spirit: a speech full of life.
14. resilience; elasticity.
15. the force that makes or keeps something alive; the vivifying or quickening principle: The life of the treaty has been an increase of mutual understanding and respect.
16. a mode or manner of existence, as in the world of affairs or society: So far her business life has not overlapped her social life.
17. the period or extent of authority, popularity, approval, etc.: the life of the committee; the life of a bestseller.
18. a prison sentence covering the remaining portion of the offender's animate existence: The judge gave him life.
19. anything or anyone considered to be as precious as life: She was his life.
20. a person or thing that enlivens: the life of the party.
21. effervescence or sparkle, as of wines.
22. pungency or strong, sharp flavor, as of substances when fresh or in good condition.
23. nature or any of the forms of nature as the model or subject of a work of art: drawn from life.
24. Baseball. another opportunity given to a batter to bat because of a misplay by a fielder.
25. (in English pool) one of a limited number of shots allowed a player: Each pool player has three lives at the beginning of the game.–adjective
26. for or lasting a lifetime; lifelong: a life membership in a club; life imprisonment.
27. of or pertaining to animate existence: the life force; life functions.
28. working from nature or using a living model: a life drawing; a life class.
Idioms
29. as large as life, actually; indeed: There he stood, as large as life. Also, as big as life.
30. come to life, a. to recover consciousness.b. to become animated and vigorous: The evening passed, but somehow the party never came to life.c. to appear lifelike: The characters of the novel came to life on the screen.
31. for dear life, with desperate effort, energy, or speed: We ran for dear life, with the dogs at our heels. Also, for one's life.
32. for the life of one, as hard as one tries; even with the utmost effort: He can't understand it for the life of him.
33. get a life, to improve the quality of one's social and professional life: often used in the imperative to express impatience with someone's behavior.
34. not on your life, Informal. absolutely not; under no circumstances; by no means: Will I stand for such a thing? Not on your life!
35. take one's life in one's hands, to risk death knowingly: We were warned that we were taking our lives in our hands by going through that swampy area.
36. to the life, in perfect imitation; exactly: The portrait characterized him to the life.
Origin:bef. 900; ME lif(e); OE līf; c. D lijf, G Leib body, ON līf life, body; akin to live 1Synonyms:13. vivacity, sprightliness, vigor, verve, activity, energy.
Antonyms:13. inertia.
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.
Cite This Source
Wow. That does not begin to answer my questions.
So I come to my point, I do not know what life is, I do not know what it isn't. I just know that for us as individuals, Life only lasts for a time before we pass back into the oblivion from whence we came. I do not know anything about Heaven or Hell, except that which I read. I consider myself a Christian, and I have chosen to take the Bible at face value, the undeniable, unquestionable, unchangeable Word of God. That's just me. I do not care if you believe as I do. That is not important to me. What I believe is important to me, which is why I have spent my entire life (there's that word again!) searching for the knowlege I need. Note: I read somewhere that the word "BIBLE" is an acronym for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth". I found that amusing.
When it comes to being a Christian, please do not use me as an example for the entire faith. By all standards, Christian or otherwise, I am not a very good example.
But again, I digress.... I am having a hard time staying focussed. Perhaps that is because once again I have been awake all night. My point for this entry is this: I am a nearly 43 year old man who has seen his share of this world, and who has made it to a point in his life where he knows that there are more years behind him than in front of him. God willing, I will be here for many years to come, but facing bad genetics, bad choices, and the resulting failing health, I am aware I am on borrowed time. This is why I have set up this blog. A place where I can look back at the first half of my life andmaybe pass on some of the lessons I have learned along the way. Maybe, just maybe, someone may look at this and realize that they are not alone, that someone else feels like they do, or that above all else, there is always hope. So there it is; hope I have not bored you to tears, and I hope you will tell your friends, and I hope you will come back Please, feel free to let me know you were here, and share any thoughts you have. After all, thats all I am doing here.
DYING TO LIVE: A BLOG FROM THE BACK NINE
Life's lessons do not always come easy. They frequently come too late. Follow the ramblings of a man looking back at life from the Back Nine.
I have too much to do. I have OCD and as such, I have to do this. I have recently had an epiphany, and I know that I am living on borrowed time. I want to write about some of the stuff I think about as I face the dismal reality of my own mortality. Armed with the knowledge that I have more years behind me than ahead of me, I feel a sense of urgency to get my affairs in order, and I want to share some of what I have learned along this bumpy road of life. Not all of life's lessons are appropriate in the context of my primary blog, and so I decided to begin another blog for this purpose. I did list it as an adult blog, since I know I will possibly talk about things I would not generally share with children. I hope that some of my older readers will drop by here from time to time. Please forgive me if this takes me a moment to get this thing off the ground. Thanks for your continued patience.
I have too much to do. I have OCD and as such, I have to do this. I have recently had an epiphany, and I know that I am living on borrowed time. I want to write about some of the stuff I think about as I face the dismal reality of my own mortality. Armed with the knowledge that I have more years behind me than ahead of me, I feel a sense of urgency to get my affairs in order, and I want to share some of what I have learned along this bumpy road of life. Not all of life's lessons are appropriate in the context of my primary blog, and so I decided to begin another blog for this purpose. I did list it as an adult blog, since I know I will possibly talk about things I would not generally share with children. I hope that some of my older readers will drop by here from time to time. Please forgive me if this takes me a moment to get this thing off the ground. Thanks for your continued patience.
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